How to Parent Adult Children

How to parent adult children – is this really a thing? It is a misnomer to believe that once our children reach the age of 18, our responsibilities cease. The task of raising our kids may truly be completed by that age. However, there is a difference between raising our kids and parenting them. Parenting children, no matter what their age, is a lifelong commitment. This is often one of the challenges that a woman over 40 might face as an empty nester.

What is the difference between raising and parenting children?

Raising children encompasses diapering, feeding, clothing, driving them, doing homework and everything in between. On the other hand, parenting is more about the guidance that will enrich their lives and help them prosper as adults. When they are young, a combination of raising and parenting provides a well-rounded environment. When the kiddos are grown, our parenting helps them form a healthy environment of their own and the structure to know how to raise their own children.

Why do we need to parent?

Our family works on this philosophy… Raising kids to become healthy, happy, functioning adults that contribute to society is our main goal. We have accomplished this task trifold. Our children are 35, 32 and 29; all happily married and with families of their own. We have a Bank Manager, an RN, and a Firefighter! On the surface, it would seem as if they do not need any further input from their parents since they have met the above goal. This is the furthest thing from the truth. Yes, we are done raising them, but they still need our guidance and they continually seek our advice. This guidance is what parenting is all about and it helps to ensure that a world with good morals, respect, work ethic, and well-being is a great future for all generations to come.

One can equate parenting with discipline. Following through on punishment for our children is much harder than letting their misdemeanors slide. Fresh are the memories of grounding our kids. It was harder for us than it was for them; their penalties resulted in us paying the penance also.  Not only did we have to hear all of their complaints, we often gave up our own activities to ensure that they were miserable and paying for their crimes so that they would learn a valuable lesson. Well, parenting, although not as harsh, still requires sacrifice at times for the betterment of our offspring.

Ideas for How to Parent Adult Children

• Speak to your kids daily. Even if it is just a 1-minute phone call to check-in. There is not a day that goes by, that we do not tell our kids goodnight and that we love them. Because this is what was always expected of them and now they will not miss our daily conversations. Using Facetime is also a great idea, nothing better than seeing the faces of those that we adore!
• Be active in their lives. Even if this means that we have to put aside our own desires to make time for them. Do this within reason because we do have lots of fun stuff to do in our middle years! Plan family activities or dinners together. Instill the priority of family bonds.
• Lead by example. Spending time with our own parents will show them the importance of respect and commitment. Remember, one day, in turn, our kids will be caring for us.
• Ask questions about their lives and then, more importantly, listen when they speak. Just like when they were 5 and screaming your name continually, they still need our undivided attention.
• Offer advice, even if it is not asked of us. Sharing information from our own experiences is helpful in the building of their lives. However, do not be offended if they do not take our advice. It is a hard pill to swallow but respecting their decisions will secure their trust in us. We make it clear to our kids that we will respect their choices even if they are different ones than we would make.
• Do be open and honest regarding finances but do not be judgmental. Each generation experiences different circumstances. Something that may have been cut and dry for us, is not relevant any longer. If our children choose to make a purchase that we are not comfortable with, have a discussion with them. Most times, our eyes will be opened, and understanding their point of view will draw us closer together.

• When they find their soulmate, be supportive. There are many things that we may not like about their relationship but that does not matter. Short of abuse, it is important that we accept their choices. I have always said, “We put our heart and soul into our kids, then they grow up and marry aliens.” Aliens because their mates come from families that may have different values and beliefs that we are not accustomed to. Even though this is a huge adjustment, we do acclimate. Give it time and keep an open mind. Their happiness is a top priority and we cannot decide that for them. Our kids may also struggle with deciding which family traits to follow. What is the greatest advice we can give them for adjusting? Tell them to find the best qualities from both families and integrate those traits into their own new little tribe.
• Learn to share with the new in-laws. Holidays bring about stressful planning. Believe me, we do not want to miss a moment of celebrating with our kids, but we must. This is the nature of the beast. Regardless, if every other holiday is rotated or if the kids go to many destinations in one day, we are just happy to see them. We work hard on not pressuring them during these demanding seasons. Also, it is helpful to work in conjunction with the new in-laws and plan different times for meals. Because of our flexibility, our kids are more apt to be accommodating to all and no one misses out.
• Keep negative comments to ourselves; negativity breeds resentment. Resentment leads to distance. Distance leads to a sad, empty life.

By doing all of these things, we are guiding them to make family a priority in their lives. In turn, they will then understand the importance of this support system. By parenting consistently, our kids will know that we always have their backs, no matter what!

And Then Comes Baby…

If and when they have kids of their own, new challenges arise. Parenting takes on an entirely new meaning at this point. Where exactly do we fit in and what is our role? We have raised our own kids and they turned out well, so we should know everything, right? Absolutely NOT!

• The best advice I can offer as an RN – do your homework. Things have changed a great deal since we had babies. Example: our kids were once side or tummy sleepers. This is a definite mistake now and it is a huge safety risk. Sleeping in this position can increase the chance of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Studies have proven that babies are only supposed to sleep on their backs. Another point that is hard to accept is that there is no swaddling, no blankets, pillows or bumper pads allowed at all for safety reasons. Please be reverent with these guidelines, as this is what our kids will be taught from their pediatricians. Do not make them uncomfortable with these rules because they will feel that their children may not be safe with us.
• Carseats are the law, even for a short drive. Learn the correct way to use them so if you do babysit, you will have the freedom to travel with the grandlittles. Again, proving to our children that we can follow instructions is priceless.
• Babysit grandkids only if you want to. We should enjoy them, not dread having them. It is not our responsibility to raise them, we have already done that with our own kids. Also, do not feel guilty if you choose not to watch them. This is counterproductive and is not healthy. Have an open conversation with the adult kids and explain your reasoning. Even if they are upset to begin with, eventually they will come to understand. Communication is key.
• When babysitting, follow all of the rules laid-out to us. Again, building trust, trust, trust is also part of parenting our adult children.
• When it comes to disciplining grandchildren, have an open discussion with our own kids prior to having any issues. We have made it clear that we will correct any bad behavior, whether their parents are present or not. We do not spank but we do implement time-outs. I am also famous for my threatening look, low voice and calling them by their first and middle names. Our kids say they still get nervous when I rear this ugly head, but it is highly effective. On the other hand, just like when we raised our own kids, Grampy plays the nice card. Good cop, bad cop is still in play. Take some time and read this great article about disciplining grandkids for an additional perspective.
• Once again, feel free to offer parenting advice and be accepting of whatever outcome may come from it.
• Just when we think we have it down, a whole new level of learning appears. We have to learn to share our new grandlittles with their other grandparents!  A territorial attitude could consume us if we don’t stomp it down. We must do our best to not make this a competition. From our own experience, when you become friends with the other grandparents, life will become easier.

In Conclusion on How to Parent Adult Children

Our future generations should not miss out on parenting values. Family should always come first. No matter how busy our lives may be, we must construct a strong familial infrastructure. Just because our kids are out of our homes, does not mean that they should be out of our sight and hearts. Invest in our adult children and they will in-turn, invest in theirs and the skill of parenting will live-on.

Here is another great article from AARP on parent-child relationships. If you like this post, please check out my other post, The Beginner’s Guide to Empty Nesting. If you are a grandparent or are soon-to-be, check out this blog, Adventures in NanaLand and discover some great ideas for spending time with your grandlittles!

Let us know how you parent your adult kids and any tips you have for keeping your relationship strong. Can’t wait to hear from you!